Planet Earthling:

Galactic Terrorists or Roguish Evolutionary Dunces?
  

GALACTIC NEWS BULLETIN

by Galactic News correspondent 34.232.490.901 [Richard Walker]

filed at 230.908.435.1200 Galactic Mean Time [May 25, “Towel day”]

dedicated to Douglas Adams, author of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy”

SYNOPSIS

Alarming information feeds from the far reaches of a remote galaxy [GID ZEWEUWQQI a.k.a. Sleeping Satanic Spirals] indicate activities which call for immediate deployment of counter-insurgency demolition forces [TCV Galactic Planetary Decree 54.4.8]

It seems inevitable that once these Earthling Religious Fanatics discover the provable absence of a Divine Dictator [by finding a huge, glowing suicide note] they will take violent action. Since their most stable civilizations [term used loosely here] are based on mutually exclusive monodic godheads, it is only a matter of time before the big three join forces and perpetrate terrorism on their little corner of the universe, in the name of all three one and only Gods whose existence they have just disproved.

They will undoubtedly realize that their cluster’s star [a yellow youngster, SID YY131009] is the most powerful potential weapon within their grasp. This reporter need not remind Galactic News readers that the technology required to initiate a stellar collapse and novation sequence is all over the galactic infoplane, and more to the point, is self-evident soon after a pretelligent species starts connecting sub-atomic dots with silly-string theories.

All of the indicators for a stellar suicide bomb are in place. It is our duty to protect our Galactic Hinterlands from further de-volutionary decline and to safeguard their place as the vacation getaway of galactic choice. It would be most upsetting to have a new Atomic Streamliner damaged on its maiden voyage as bits of EarthStar zing past the StreamProtect anti-matter agent. No-one wants to see his insurance premiums rise to cover this risk, regardless.